(Screens announce scene and Chorus begins Entracte: "He's Gone Away (For to Stay a Little While")

[Curtains closed. Spotlight appears in right front of curtain on speaking Artemus, standing before a writing desk -- a piece of furniture which doubles in other scenes as barker's booth or speaker's lectern. He reads aloud the letter he is writing.]

ARTEMUS: Noo York, neer 5th Avenoo Hotel

Orgist 31ct. Editur of Play Bill:

Deer Sir, -- Yrs, into whicht you arsk me to send yoo sum leedin insidens in my life so yoo kin rite my Bogrify fur the papers, cum dooly to han. I hav no dowt that a artikul onto my life, gramaticully jerked an properly punktooated, wood be a addishun to the chois litertoor of the day.

To the yooth of Ameriky it wood be valybul as shown how hi a pinnykle of faim a man kin reech who comenst his kareer with a small canvas tint & a pee-green oks, whicht he rubd it orf wile skratchin hisself agin the cinter pole, cawsin in Raway, Noo Jursy, a diskriminatin mob to say humbugs wood not go down in thair villaje. The oks resoomd agrikultoor pursoots soon afturwurds.

I nekst tryd my han at givin Blin-man konserts, apeerin as the pore blin man myself. But the infamus cuss who I hird to leed me rown towns in the day tyme to eksite simpathy drank freely of spiritoos likoor unbeknowens to me, & wile under thair inflooans, he led me into the kanawl. [Please see 19th century Vanity Fair drawing and return.] I had to eether tair the green bandije frum my eyes or be drownd. I thot Ide restore my eyesite.

In ritin bowt thees things, Mr Editur, kinder smooth em ovir. Speek of em as eksentrisitees of genus. (For, as the preecher says, the vilest sinur may return as long as the hoss nose the way, or wurds to that effeck.)

My nekst ventoor wood hav bin a suksess if I hadnt tryd to do 2 mucht. I gut up a serius of wax figgers, & amung uthurs 1 of Sokratees. I thot a wax figger of Ole Sock wood be poplar with eddykated peepul. But unfortunitly I put a Brown linen duster & a U.S. Army regylashun cap on Sock, whicht peepul with classykal eddykashuns sed it wus a fars.

This interprise wus unfortunits in uther respeks. At a sertin town I advertised a wax figger of the Honble Amos Perkijns, who wus a Ralerode President, and a grate persun in them parts. But it peerd I had shone the saim figger fur a Pirut naimed Gibbs in that town the previs seesun. Whicht creeated a intens toomult. & the awdiens remarkd "shaim onto me" & uther staitments of the saim similarness. I tryd to mollify them. I told em that any famerly blessd with childern mite hav my she tigur to play with harf a day. & I woodnt charj em a sent. But alars! it wus of no avale.

I wus forsed to leev. & I infer frum a artikul in the noospaper of that town, in whicht the Editur says [Artemus holds up clipping to read] "Altho tyme has silvurd this mans hed with its frosts, he still brazunly wallows in infamy. Still are his snaiks stuffd, and his wax figgers unrelybul. We air glad that he has conkluded to nevir revist our town. Altho, inredibul as it may apeer, the fellow reely did contemplate so doin last summer. When, still troo to the kraven instinks of his blak hart, he rote the hireling naves of the obscoor jurnal cross the street to know whut they wood charj; for 400 small bills. To be dun on yellow paper! We will rekur to this matter agin." [Puts down clipping,]

I say, I infur frum this artikul thataa prejudis still eksists agin me in that town.

I will not speek of my onct bein in straitend sirkumstanses in a sertin town. & of my endeverin to coomoolale welth by lettin myself to Sabith Skool pikniks to sing ballids adaptid to the unerstanins of littul chidern, accompanin myself on a claironett. Whicht I furgot whair I wus 1 day, singing, instid of "Oh how pleesunt to be a littul chle", I sung

                                              "Rip slap -- set em up agin
                                              Rite in the middul of  a 3-sent pie"