As a singist Ime not a big suksess. (Tuther nite sum silvr-voysed yung min stud under my winder & sung -- "Cum whare my luv lyes dreemin". [Slight pause.] I dint go. I dint thin it wud be proper.)

[Right section of stage is lighted to reveal a tableau of 7 "old maids" and 4 "lung haired fellers" and a "Square Smith", dressed "conservativly", all seated at a large table, with one empty chair. Artemus neers them, talking to the audience.]

My nabers injoosed me to attend a Spirutooal Circle at Square Smiths. [Motion among the sitters. Squire Smith rises, extends hands of welcome, gestures to the empty chair.]

Whin I arrove, I fownd the eest rum chok full of all the ole maids in the villije & the lung hared fellers a4sed. Whin I wint in, I wus salootid [miming] with "Heer cums the benited man" -- "Heer cums the horry-heded unbeleever" -- "Heer cums the skoofer at trooth" -- etsettery, etsettery.

Sez I, "My frens, tis troo Ime here. & now bring on yore Spiruts." [Big intake of breath after delivering this. Pause.]

This wus versiferusly aplawded by the cumpany, & as I make it a pint to git alung as plesunt as possbul, I sung out "Bully fur you, ole Boy!"

The lung hared fellers arsked me ef I had sawn the representashuns of hevins & anjls by Blaik. I sez, you meen Sophy Blaik, the old maid with the dark & rovin eye?

MAN [haughtily]: No. I mean William Blake, the artist.

ARTEMUS [puzzled]: The whichist?

MAN: The artist. He paints.

ARTEMUS [enlightened]: O -- a paynter artist. [Looks puzzled again.] Of whichist?

[He waits, then addressed the audience.] He giv me a retortful snort & turnd his bak on me.

[Members of company turn chairs to table.]

The cumpany then droo rown the tabul & the circle komments to go it. They axed me ef thare wus enybuddy in the Spirut Lan whicht I wud like to convarse with. I sed ef Bill Tomkins, who wus onct my partner in the Show Bizniss, wus sobir, I shood like to convarse with him a few peeruds. (Ide writ him sins he parsed on. But as yit I haint gut no anser. Praps hees in a Speer ware they haint gut eny postaje stamps.)

"Es the Spirut of William Tomkins presint", sed 1 of the lung hared chaps [miming], & thare wus 3 noks on the tabl. [Rapping.]

Sez I, "William, how goze it, Ole Sweetness?"

"Purty ruff, Ole Hoss", he replide.

(That wus a plesent wa we had of adresin eech uther while he wus in the flesh.)

"Air you in the Show Bilzniss, William" sez I.

He sed he wus. He sed him & John Bunyn wus travlin with a side show in conekshun with Shakespeer, Jonson & Cumpanees Circus. He sed ole Bun (meening Mr Bunyun) sturd up the animiles & grownd the organ, wile my fren William tendid the dore. Okashunly Mr Bunyun sung a comik song. The Circus wus doin middlin well.

William sed they wus tryin to git Jeff Chawser to rite sum handbills for em. But I node that warnt a gud ideer. Hits a pity that Chawser, who had genus, wus so uneddykated. Chawser is the wus speller I no of.

Bill Shakespeer had made a grate his performin with Olly Crumwell. & Ben Jonson wus delitin the crowd with his trooly grate ax of horsmanship without saddul or briddul. The cumpany wus rehersin Dixeys Lan & ekpektid it wud nok the peepul.

"Sez I, "William, you Bashful Brute, kin you pay me that 13 dollers you owe me?"

[Loud rap.] He sed no with 1 of the mos tremenjis noks I evir heerd.

The circle sed he had gun. "Air you gun, William?" I axed. "Rayther", he replide. & I node it warnt no use to pursoo the subjek futher.

I then calld fur my farther, who wus a sutler in the Revolooshun War. (Farther onct had a intervoo with Jinral La Fayet & arsked him to lind him 5 dollers, promisin to pay bak in the fall. But Laffy sed "he coodunt see it in those lamps". Laffy war Frinch, & a littul shaky in the langwije.)

Sez I, "Hows things, Daddy?" [Artemus does his father's part in deep sepulchral tones.]

"Middlin, my sun. Middlin."

"Aint you prowd of yore orfun boy?"

"Skasely."

"Why not, my parient?"

"Becawz you hav gun to ritin fur the noosepapers, my sun. Bimeby yool loos all yore karakter fur trooth & veraserty. Whin I helpt you into the Show Bizniss I tole you to digerfy that thare perfeshun. LIteratoor is low!"

He also statid he wus doin middlin well in the peenut bizniss & like it purty well, altho the climit wus rayther wurm.

[About 15 seconds of miming follows. Then, in pantomime, some stand up and address Artemus.]

Whin the Circle stopt they axed me whut I thot of it.

[Artemus stood up and his answer gradually arouses some of the company to indignation.]

Sez I, My frens, Ive bin into the Show Bizniss now goin on23 yeers. Thares a artikul in the Constitooshun of the United States whicht sez as follers. Evirbuddy may think jist as he durn pleeses & them is my sentimints to a hare. You dowtlis bleev this Spirut Doktrin wile I think it is a leetul mixt.

Jist as soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Spirut rapper, he leevs orf workin. Lets his hare gro all ovir his fase. & he komensis spunjin his livin out of uther peepul. He eets all the dikshunaries he kin fine & goze rown full of big wurds, skarin the wimin folks & leetl childern, & destroyin the peas of mine of ivry famerlees he intirs. He dunt do nobuddy no gud & is a cuss to sosiety & a pirut on onist peepuls corn beef barrils.

Admitin all you say bowt the doktrin to be troo. I mus say the reglar perfeshunal Spirut rappers -- them as makes a lilvin of it -- air bowt the mos ornery set of cusses I evir enkowntird in my life.

[Angry reaction from the "lung hared fellers" and some of the "old maids".]

So sayin, I put on my surtoot & wint hum.

[Starts walking away in simulation of that action, looking back at audience.]

I then wint to bed. [Smiles.] I cum of a very clevir famerly.