[Screens announce scene as Chorus begins the Entracte: "Aura Lee".]

[Curtains drawn in silence. Spotlight on speaking Artemus, sitting on a milking stool, whittling and miming the singing -- performed by Chorus soloist -- "The Presbyterian Cat", to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne".] ARTEMUS:

                               		    There was a Presbyterian cat
                                            A-huntin went her way,
                                            She caught a mouse within the house,
                                            A sin on Sabbath day.

[Hums a repeat. Stops whittling. Looks stick up and down; sights along the stick. Then Artmus
addresses the audience.]

The solumkolies sumtimes git me down, like ivrybuddy else. But jinrally I liv in peas with all
mankine -- & with the wimin folks 2. I go down to the villize cashunly & take a leetle old Rye
fur the stumiks sake. But I voyd spiritoos likker as a jinral thing. 1 evenin I jes had to get
awa. My bloomin yung darter, Sary Ann, botherd me summit awful by singing, "Why do the summer
roses fade?". Arter heerin her sing it the 14th time, I sez, "Becaws its thare biz!  Let em fade!"

So I wint down to meet sum frens. We sot rown swappin stories. Sum of those stories, no dowt,
divertid Methoselah in he sunny das of his giddy & thotless yooth. Thare we wus, talkin & larfin,
til the switchin hour of midnite. "Whin graveyurds yawn and gosts troop 4th", as ole Shakespeer
obsarves in his dramy of John Shepherd, Esquare, or the Morul House Braiker. Then we broke up &
disbarsed. [Artemus stands up and starts toward inner center stage.]

It war late whin I gut hum. [Faint light appears on inner right.] But a cannel -- a cannel frum
taller of our own makin -- gleemd in Betsy's rum. [He strikes attitude.] It gleemd fur me! [Pause.
Looks upward.] All wus still. The sweet silver moon wus shinin brite. [Slight pause] & the bootiful
stars wus up to their yooshul doins. [Slight pause.] I felt a sentimintul mood so jently ore me
steelin & I pawsed be4 Betsy's winder & sung out as follers, impromtoo, too whit:
                                                      Wake, Betsy, wake,
                                                      My sweet galoot!
                                                      Rise up, fair lady,
                                                      Wile I tuch my loot.
[His wife, Betsy Jane, is seated on chair on elevated platform in right center stage, holding
"candle", so that we can just see her face and nightcap.]

BETSY: Who's thar?

ARTEMUS: It is yore own A. W., Betsy. Sweet lady, wake! Evir of thow!

BETSY: O -- hits you. [Snorts.] I thot I smelt suthin.

["Candle" goes out.  Artemus shakes head sadly in embarrassment and turns to audience to speak
apologetically.]

ARTEMUS: Missus Ward is a gud womin. [Pause.] She makes the bist slap-jacks in Ameriky. [Slight
pause.] As a slap-jakist, she has no ekal. [Slight pause.] Our mootooal sun, Artemus Ward Junyor,
is a Softmore at Bowdoin Collije in Maine. [Pause.]

The only uther girl I evir lookt at wus Sary Watkins. Her farther kep a grosery store in our town.
& that wus just to see how she maishurd out a kwart of merlassers. [Pause.]

There wus meny affektin ties whicht made me hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her farthers farm jined ourn.
Thare cows & our skwencht thare thurst at the saim spring. Our old mares both hed stars in thare
4heds. The meezles broke out in both famerlees at neer the saim peeryud. Our parients -- Betsy's
& mine -- slep reglalry ivry Sunday in the saim Meetin House. & the nabers used to obsarve, "How
thik the Wards & Peasleys air!" It wus a surblime site, in the Spring of the yeer, to see our
sevrul muthers with thare gownds pind up so they cudnt sile em, affekshuntly bilin sope & aboozin
the nabers.

Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objek of my afekshuns, I darsunt tell her of the fars whicht
wus rajin in my manly Buzzums. Ide try to do it. But my tung wud kerwollop up agin the ruf of my
mowth & stik thar, like a country postmaster to his orfiss. & my hart banged agin my ribs like a
sythe bangin agin a barn door.[Please see 19th century Vanity Fair drawing and RETURN.]
 
[Artemus takes step forward. The center stage lights up dimly. In the following scene, the speaking
Artemus standings outside the action, while the speaking Betsy, in night dress, is seen speaking
her lines from memory.]

ARTEMUS: Betsy! Betsy! Sweet nimp! Art thare?

BETSY [in loud annoyed tone]: WOT?

ARTEMUS: You member that nite?

BETSY: WOT NITE? O -- wal --.

[Artemus is turned halfway between audience and speaking Betsy, so that, by turning his head, he
can face the audience or face down center stage.]

ARTEMUS: Twas a carm still nite in June.

[Lights go up to show miming Betsy and miming Artemus -- when young -- in "gold light" at back
of stage.]

All natur wus husht, & nary zeffer distarbed the sereen silens.

[Miming actors perform the actions now described.]
  
I & Betsy hed bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flours, & with lung stiks drivin the woodchuk
frum his nativ lair -- so to speek.

[Miming couple approaches a fence, climb it, sit.]

We sot down on the fens in her farthers pastoor & sot thare a wile. A-swinging our feet 2 & fro,
blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool house, whin fust paynted, & lookin very simpul, I make
no dowt. My left arm wus okypied in balunsin myself on the fens, wile my rite arm wus wondid
lovinly rown her waste.

I cleerd my throte & treminly sed, "Betsy, yore a Gazelle!"

I thot that air wus putty fine. I waitid to see whut effek it wud hav on her. It evidintly didunt
foch her, fur she up & sed:

BETSY: Yure a sheep!

[Artemus is taken back. Pause. Then he speaks shyly.]

ARTEMUS: Betsy, I think muchly of yoo.

BETSY: I dunt bleev a wurd you say.  So thare now cum!

[And she "hiched awa" from him.]

[Artemus hesitantly edges over -- miming Artemus by action, speaking Artemus by gesture -- then
he works up to a speech.]

ARTEMUS: I wisht thare wus winders in my Sole so you cud see sum of my feelijs. Thares far enuf
in heer [strikes his "buzzum" with fist] to bile all the corn beef & turnips in the naberhod.
Versoovius is small pertaters compaird to my innard far & smoke.

[Faces and addresses audience.]

Betsy bowd her hed & commenst chawin the strings of her sun bunnit.

[Turns again toward a line between the two Betsies.]

Or cud yoo no the sleeplis nites I wurry threw on yore kownt. How vittles has seezed to be attraktiv
to me. & how my lims has shrunk up. Then yoo wudunt dowt me. Gase on this wastin form & thees heer
sunkin cheeks --

[Miming Artemus loses balance and falls into "pastur kersmash", supposedly tearing his "close &
seveerly damagin" himself "jinrally". Miming Betsy springs to his "asistans in dubble kwik ime &
draggd" him "4th". Then, drawing herself up to her "full hite", speaking Betsy deliver the lines
which the other Betsy mimes.]

BETSY:I wunt lissen to yore nonsens no lunger. Jes say rite strate out whut yure drivin at. Ef
you meen gettin hiched, IME IN!

[The miming Artemus and speaking Artemus both react. The mining lovers embrace. The speaking Artemus
embraces himself; the speaking Betsy, herself. Then the speaking Artemus goes back to the stool,
sits down, and addresses the audience.]

ARTEMUS: In the brite Lexington of Yooth, Time is Essens. So I considurd that air enuf fur all
pratikul puposses [speaking Betsy gives emphatic nod]. So we proseedid to the parsons & wus made
1 that very nite.

[Speaking lovers fall into a dream about that night, while the miming lovers dance out the story
of it to the first verse of "Aura Lee", sung by Chorus. At end of verse, the miming lovers rush
into darkness of backstage. At beginning of second verse, "parson" moves into the light of the
center stage facing left. The dancing lovers dance back into the light, dance up to the parson,
and stands as the parson mimes the wedding service from an imaginary Bible. At last line of this
verse, the lovers walk away slowly and the parson disappears. The lovers start dancing slowly,
dance faster, until he lifts her at the phrase, "Aura Lee, Aura Lee". Then, as she alights, she
leads him to the back of the stage, where she lies down. He lies down beside her, and they embrace
as the last phrase of the song ends.]

[While this been transpiring, each speaking lover slumps back when miming lovers lie down. Now
each speaking lover rouses, adjusts clothing, wipes eye. Artemus looks down, picks up stick, and
pulling out his knife, starts to whittle and to lip-synch "The Presbyterian Cat", sung by Chorus
soloist. Then Artemus speaks ot the audience. In the following subscene, the acting Beetsy smiles
in fond remembrance. But when Artemus begins to praise his show, Betsy starts to show more and
more indignation and annoyance.]

ARTEMUS: Ive parsed threw meny tryin ordeels sins then. But Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel. By
attendin strikly to bizniss, Ive amarsed a handsum Pittance.

[Betsy shows surprise at this revelation.]

No man on this heer foot-stool they call arth kin rize up & say I ivir no-inly injoored no man
nor wimin folks.

[Betsy nods agreement.]

But all agree that my Show is ekalled by few & ekselled by nun [Artemus is now erect on stool,
arms outstretched, voice rising into barker's pitch], embracin a wonerful kolekshun of livin
wile Beests of Pray, snaiks in grate profushun, a endliss vuriety of life size wx figgers
[brief pause, then Artemus jumps to his feet] & THE OWNLY TRANED KANGAROO IN AMERIKY!

[Here, Betsy squeezes her eyes shut, screws up her face in intense annoyance, and sticks out her
tongue, in one sudden movement.]

[DARKNESS]