[Screens announce the scene as Chorus begins the Entracte: "Cindy".]
[Spotlight on speaking Artemus at writing desk. Curtains closed. He speaks in agitated tone.]
ARTEMUS: It is with no ordinary feelins of Shagrin & Indignashuns that I rite you thees heer lines. Sum of the hiest & most purest feelin whicht aktooate the hoomin hart has bint trampt into. The Amerikin Flag has bin defowled. Ive bin nussin a Adder in my Buzzums. The "swings & arrers of outrajus fortoon" alooded to by my fren Hamlik warnt nuthin in comparison to my trubl.
[Pause. Curtains slowly open on deep full stage with two-seater backed benches, at least three deep on either side of an aisle, simulating a train parlor car. These benches are occupied by a mixed company, using all acting members of the company, except for the speaking Artemus, and a miming actor to appear as conductor, and a miming Artemus. The "man in blak close" and the "Octoroon" are seated in the first seat on the left, with the man on the aisle. The right front seat is unoccupied and will be occupied by the speaking Artemus. Light shines on the "car" portion, but darkness on left and right of stage, except for spotlight on speaking Artemus -- until he joins the car assembly.]
ARTEMUS: The faks in the case is theese heer.
[He steps down from the podium and moves toward the first seat on right of "train car".]
I git my hanbills sculpt in New York & I anooly repare thare to git sum moore. The House on Varik Street, whare I used to bord, is bin torn down. [Reflects.]
That house, whicht wus rendrd memoriable by my livin in it, is "parsin awa! parsin awa!". But sum of the timber will be made into canes, to be sold to my admarers at the low prise of 1 doller eech. Thus is chanjis going on continerly. In the New Wurld it is War. In the Old Wurld, Empires is totterin & Dysentaries is crumblin. [Pause.] Thees canes is cheep at a doller eech.
Sammy Booth, on Duane Street, sculps my hanbills, & hees a artisk. He studid in Rome. [Pause quesitoningly.] Or wus it Alberny.
[He has now reached the parlor car.]
A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to New York to git out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer campane. [Sit down and picks up newspaper beside him.] & I wus peroosin a noosepaper on the cars whin a middl ajed man in spekterculs cum up [man joins him] & sot down beside unto me. He wus drest in blak close, whicht wus in vogy heer. His cote wus 1 of those blak shiny garmints whicht has bin burnisht by adwersity. But he wus very gentlunly. [Leans forward, puts hand to side of mouth, simulating confidential tone.] In fak he wus apeerently as fine a man as ivr wus.
MAN: A fine day, Sir.
ARTEMUS: Middlin [confidentially to audience], not wishin to comit myself. Tho he peerd to be as fine a man as thare wus in the wurld. [Speaks to man.] It is a middlin fine day, Square.
MAN: Are you well, Sir?
ARTEMUS: Sownd as a cuss!
MAN [waggin head wisely]: Esto perpetua.
ARTEMUS [pauses, then snaps back]: E pluribus unum. In proprietor persony. & [sternly] siny kwa non, also!
MAN [shrugging]: Requiescat in pace.
ARTEMUS [shaking head sadly]: 2 troo. 2 troo. HIts a skanderlus fak! [Speaks to audience.] Larfin 1 of my silvery larfs, I giv him anuther of my sparklin epygrams.
MAN [after pause]: How fares the ship of state in your region of the country?
ARTEMUS [puzzled]: We dunt hav no ships in our State. The Canawl is our bist bet.
MAN [pausing, then leans foward confidentially and dramatically]: Are you aware, Sir, that the crisis is with us?
ARTEMUS [shrinking back]: No! [Peers under seat. Then jumps up.] Whare is she?
MAN: It's here -- it's everywhere!
ARTEMUS [sitting down slowly]: Why how you tawk! [Rises again and looks around, scrutinizing some of the passengers, who fidget or glare back at him.] I mus say, fren [resuming seat], that I kaint see nuthin of no crisis myself. [Pause. Then Artemus rises and addresses the passengers in a "stentowrian voyce".] Hullo & ahoy! Ef eny lady or gentmun in this yeer car has a crisis conseeld abowt thare pusson, they bitter projuse it to onct. Or suffir the konsekenses! [He looks around, as passengers react. Then Artemus addresses audience confidentially.] Sevrul individooals snikerd rite out, wile a lil damsel behine me in a pink gownd made the obsevashun, "Hee, hee!". [She simulates.]
MAN: Sit down, my friend. You miscomprehend me. I mean that the political elements are overcast with black clouds, foreboding a frightful storm.
ARTEMUS[relaxes and speeks soothingly]: Wal, in regurd to perliterkal elerfunts, I dunt no as how but whut they is as gud as eny uther kine of elerfunts. But they is all a ornery set & onplesunt to hav rownd. Powerful hevy eeters & take up a rite smart chas of room. & sides they air as ugly as a Lumberjak, with 13 inches of korn whisky in his stummik. [Speaks condifentially to audience.] The man in blak close seemd to be as fine a man as iver wus in the wurld. He smilt & sed praps I wus rite, tho he wus aloodin to elerments, not elefunts. & he axed me my prinserpuls.
[Replying to man.] I haint gut eny -- not a prinserpul. Ime in the Show Bizniss. [Again, confidentially to audience.] The man in the blak close, I will heer obsarv, seemd as fine a man as iver wus in the wurld.
MAN: But you have feelings? You sympathize with the misfortunate, the lowly and the heartsick, don't you?
ARTEMUS [to audience]: He bust into teers & axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the seet ovir yonder, pyntin to as slik a lookin gal as iver I seed. [To man.] 2 be shure I see her. Is she mucht sik?
[To audience.] The man in the blak close wus apeerently as fine a man as iver wus in the wurld -- anywhares!
MAN [leaning toward Artemus]: Draw closer to me. Let me get my mouth near your ear. Hush! SHE'S AN OCTOROON!
ARTEMUS [jumping up excitedly]: No! You dunt say so! How lung has she bin that wa?
MAN [skaking head sadly]: From her earliest infancy.
ARTEMUS [sitting down slowly]: Wal, whut in arth dus she do it fur?
MANB: She can't help it. It's the brand of Cain!
ARTEMUS [indignantly]: Wal, sheed bitter stop drinkin Kane's brandy. [Shakes bead vigorously.]
MAN [exasperated]: I said "the brand of Cain" was upon her -- not "brandy", my friend. You're very obtuse!
ARTEMUS ["konsiderbul riled at this"]: My jentul Sir, Ime a nonresistanter as a jinral thing. & I dunt wunt to git no rows with enybuddy. [Jumps up.] But I kin nivertheless kave in enny man's hed whut calls me a obtoose! [Artemus commenses to pull "orf" his "ekstra garmints".] Cum on! Time! Heers the Boston Brawler fur ye!
[He dances around like "a poppit".]
[Addresses audience.] He riz in his seet & axed my pardin. Sed it wus a mistaik. That I wus a gud man, etsettery, & so4th. & we fixt it all up plesunt.
[They sit down. Artemus addresses audience.] I mus say that the man in blak close seemd to be as fine a man as iver livd in the wurld.
[Slight pause.] He sed a Octoroon wus the 8th part of a Negrow. He likewise statid that the femail he wus travelin with wus formerly a slaiv in Mississippy. That sheed purchist her freedum. & now wantid to purchis the freedum of her pore ole muther who (the man obsarvd) wus between 87 yeers of aij. & she hed to do all the cookin & washin fur 25 hired men. Whicht it wus rapidly braikin down her konstitushun. The man sed he noed the minit he gased onto my klassic & beneverlunt feetoors that Ide donate librully. & he axed me to go ovir & see her, whicht I kordinly did.
[Pause, as Artemus stands beside her.]
She lookd imprekashuns & turnd awa ortily, moppin herself down with a lased nose-rag. Kordinly I took out my 16 doller silver wach & branisht it roun praps morn nesisary. (But the bist of us has our weeknises. & ef a man has jewelry, let him show it!)
[He sits down beside her and addresses her.]
Yure sarvint, marm! How do yer git alung?
OCTOROON (bursting into tears): Oh, Sir, I'm so wretched! I'm a poor, unfortunate Octoroon!
ARTEMUS: So I larn. [He smiles ingratiatingly.] Yore kinder Roon with a Octo flavir. [Speaks to audience.] Fur I nevir seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time of my life!
[He occasionally glances at her in describing her to the audience.]
She had on a Moore Antik Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with Beraje trimmin onto it, & 3-ply Carpetin. & her skirt hed 16 flownders in it. Wile her eyes & kurls wus enuf to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his relashuns goodby. But whin she smild, the onlookirs felt like arskin her to do it sum moore, & to cointinner doin it 2 a indefinit ekstint. [Pause.] Her waste wus 1 of the mos bootifl wastis I iver seed. [Pause.] So I pittid the Octoroon frum the inmos resesses of my hart. & I hawled out 50 dollers kerslap, & tole her to buy her ole muther as soon as posserbul.
OCTOROON: Kind Sir, much thanks!
ARTEMUS [addressing audience as she mimes his description]: She then lade her hed onto my sholder & sed I wus "old rats" I wus astonishd to heer this obsarvashun, whicht I noed wus nivir used in refilnd sosiety. & I perlitely but emfaterkally shovd her hed awa. [To her.] Marm, Ime trooly surprised!
OCTOROON: Get out! You're the nicest ole man I've ever seen. Give us another 50!
ARTEMUS [to audience]: Hed a selek assortmint of the mos tremenjis thunderbolts desended onto me, I coodunt hav bin moore takin abak. I jumpt up, but she seased [miming] my cote-tales.
OCTOROON [in "wile voyse"]: No, I'll never desert you! Let us fly together to a foreign shore!
ARTEMUS: Not mucht! [Makes "poweful efurt to git awa frum her".] This is plade out. [But she jerks him back into the seat. He roars.] Leggo my cote, you skanderlus shemail!
[The Octoroon sets "up the mos unarthly yellin & hollerin you evir heerd". The passengers and the "gentlmanly konduktor" rush up. An uproar develops. In the tumult, the speaking Artemus is knocked to the floor. He turns around and starts crawling behind the right front seat, with the Octoroon on her knees holding on his coat tails. The passengers and conductor do not miss them while arguing among themselves. Noise of scuffling while Artemus and Octoroon are behind the seat. Then they reappear, crawling. But, in the process, the miming Artemus replaces the speaking Artemus, who scurries back stage, to reappear shortly from the right wing.]
MAN [rushing up indignantly to miming Artemus, now standing]: How dare you insult my niece, you hoary-headed vagbond? You exhibiter of low wax figures! You wolf in sheep's clothing!
[The various characters mime a vehement argument. After about 15 seconds of this, the speaking Artemus emerges from the right wing and stands in the shadows beside the lectern, to narrate the following episode.] ARTEMUS: I wus konfoosd. I wus a loonytik fur the time bein. & I offurd 5 dollers rewurd to eny gentman of gud morul karakter who wood tell me wot my name wus & wot town I livd into.
[Conductor has been consulting with the Octoroon and the "man in blak close", across the aisle from the miming Artemus.]
ARTEMUS: The konduktor kum to me & sed the insultid partees wud settul fur 50 dollers whicht I imejintly hawld out. & agin I implord sumbuddy to state whur I wus prinsirpaly, & ef I shood be there a grate wile myself ef things wint on as they bin goin fur sum time bak.
[Pause.] I then axed ef thare wus eny moore Octoroons presint [shouting, with mime simulating] becawz, sez I, Ime in the Octoroon bizniss! [Pause.] I then throo my spekterkuls out the winder, smasht my hat wilely down ovir my eyes, larfed histeerikally, & fell under the seet.
[Pause. Lights go dim on the center car. The miming Artemus lies under the seat, quivering a little. Then he slumps into a sleep. The speaking Artemus delivers the following narraiton in almost total darkness beside the lectern.]
ARTEMUS: I layd thare sum time & fell asleep. I dremt Mrs Ward & the Twins had bin kerrid orf by Ryenosserhosses. & I dremt that Baldinsville had bin kaptoord by a army of Octoroons.
[Pause. The lights slowly go up in the center stage. Miming Artemus stirs. He sits up.]
ARTEMUS: Whin I woke, the car lamps wus burnin dimly. [Miming Artemus stands up; looks around.]
Sum of the pasinjers wus a snorin like pawpusses. & the lil damsel in the pinc gownd wus singing, "Oft in the Silly Nite".
[Miming Artemus sits down and looks around the car. Then he slumps back dejectedly.]
The onprinserpuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in blak close wus gone.
[Pause, as lights dim out, except for the spotlight on the miming Artemus.]
& all of a sudin [voice of speaking Artemus rises] it flashd ore my brane -- that mebbe she warnt a Octoroon -- & that Ide bin -- SWINDLD!
[DARKNESS]