[Screens announce scene and Chorus begins the Entracte: "Mormon Hymn".]

[Spotlight on speaking Artemus on right of stage, without lectern or booth. A chair rests near the center stage, just beyond the initial spotlight. Curtains are closed.]

ARTEMUS: It is now goin on2 yeers sins I set out frum New York fur Salt Lake City fur to visit Brigim Yung, the grate mogul amung the Mormins. (As yoo may no, the Mormons relijin is singlar, but his marrijes is plural. In fak, the Profit, Brigim Yung, has 200 wives. He luvs not wizely -- but -- too hunderd -- well. He is dredfully marrid! Hees [hoarse whisper] the mos marrid man I iver saw!) [Pause.]

The trane of cars into whicht I wus to trus my churishd body wus the skaliest, rikytiest lookin lot of consarns I iver saw on weels be4! Sez I, to the Depot Marster, Whut time dus this string of sekind-hand coffins leev? He sed, "Direkly", so I wint in & sot down.

Thinkin Ide see sum sites on the wa, I fust stopt orf in Philydelfy. Mr Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still going full blarst. This is the Cradul into whicht the Godiss of Liberty wus rockd. The Godiss hasunt bin vury well in the past foo yeers, & the noomris kwak doctors she calld in dint help her eny. But the old gal's fizishuns now air men who unerstand thare bizniss, Major Jinrally speekin. & I think the time is neer whin sheel be abul to take her 3 meels a da, & sleep nites as comfy as in the ole time.

Travlin in Pensylvany, we parsd threw deliteful cuntry. Onist farmmirs wus to wurk sowin korn & uther projoos in the feelds. Surblime seenery. A larj red-hedid gal was reklinin on the banks of a Kanawl, bathin her protoodin feet.

I wusnunt feelin like eetin a full meel whin the cars stopt in Pittsburg fur dinner. So I wint to a Resterter & et 20 biled aigs. I think they efekted my Liver. Ive heerd of mens livers gradooally wastin awa til they hadnt eny. [Speaks ominously.] Hits a drefful thing whin a mans Liver givs him the slip! I noo a man who wus wastin awa with Liver trubul. His fase ws hewn down to nuthin. & his nose wus so sharp he dint dair stik it in uther Peepuls bizniss fur feer it wood stik fast!

[Pause.] Bein ceased with a suddin faintniss, I calld fur a drap of suthin to drink. As I wus stirrin the bevrije up [a man emerges from curtain and nears Artemus], a pail-fased man in gold spekterkuls layd his han onto my sholder & alddressd me.

MAN: Look not upon the wine when it is red!

ARTEMUS [to audience]: The man had bin at a tabul, eetin a canvas-bak duck. Poltry of that kine wus rayther hi jus then. I think bowt 5 dollers per Polt. [Artemus answers the man.] This haint no wine. This is Ole Rye!

MAN: IT STINGETH LIKE AN ADDER AND BITETH LIKE A SERPENT!

ARTEMUS: Wal, not ef you put shugar into it. Thats the wa I alers take mine.

MAN: This is a cold world!

ARTEMUS: Thats so. But yool git into a wurmer wurld bimeby ef you dunt mine yore own bizniss beter! [Addresses audience.] I wus a lettle riled at the feller, becaws I niver take nuthin ownly whin Ime onwell.

[Man steps back and reacts in righteous agreement with Artemus' following commentary.]

I arterwurds lernt he wus a tempruns lektoorer. & ef he kin injoose men to stop settin thare innurs on far with the friteful likker retaled in this cuntry, Ile hartily rejoyse. (Sum men drink with impoonerty -- er with enybuddy who invites em.) Bitter to giv em Prussik Asid to onct, then to pizen thim to deth by degrees! (I prefer tempruns hotels, altho they sell wuss likker nor eny uther kine of hotels.)

[Man disappears.]

I stopt orf fur a time in Oberlin, Ohio, whare the sellybrated collije is. A grate meny wurthy yung min go thare anooally to git intellek into em. Oberlin Kollije opins with a prair. Thin the New York Tribyune is red. A kolekshun is takin fur overcotes fur the indignant peepul of Kanady, sins they air deprivd of meny blessins, seein Kanady has a monikul form of govermint. They haint eny Amerykin Egil to onchane. & they haint gut a 4th of July to thare baks!

Korse, my ardoous dootees as a Shoman dus not permit me to refurm the wurld. & I wisht those engajd in refurmin wud postpone the yooshul cawses & go to lektoorin ginst the jigantik evil of the aije -- Muny Gittin. (Fer eksampl, on the trane leeving Oberlin, I met an interprisin biznissman who had maid his fortoon sellin disaibld cavalry hosses bak to the Army as prime beef!)

Thaiv gut a Panik up this wa & refoos to take Westurn muny. It niver wus wurth mucht. & win westurn men -- who no wot it is -- refoos to handel thare own muny -- hits bowt time uther peepul do the saim. [Slight pause.] Banks air bustin ivry day, goin hier nor eny baloon of rekord. [Pause.] Thees westurn bankers air a sweet & luvly set of varmints. I wisht I ownd as gud a house as sum of em wud braik into! [Pause.]

I arrove in Salt Lake City in dew time. My desars wus to eksibit my grate Show thar [Please see 19th century Vanity Fair drawing and RETURN], so I calld on Brigim Yung. I axed his permishun to pich my tints & onfurl my bannir to the jentul breezis.

[Artemus starts toward center stage -- with spotlight following him -- where a long-bearded man sits in a chair before the curtain.]

The Profit lookt at me in a awsteer mannir fur a few minits be4 speekin.

BRIGHAM: Mr. Ward, do you believe in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculateness of the Mormon Church, and the Latter-day Saints?

ARTEMUS [anxiously]: Ime with it! [To audience.] I make it a pint to git alung plesunt. Tho I dint no wot under the Son the ole feller wus drivin at.

[Slight pause, while Brigham mimes comments.]

But he sed I mite hav my Show. I prepared to rite him sum free parsis.

[Speaks to Brigham.] You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve?

BRIGHAM: I have 80 wives, Mr. Ward. I certainly am married.

ARTEMUS [politely]: How do yer like it -- as far as you hav gut?

BRIGHAM: Middling. Middling.

ARTEMUS [speaking to audience]: He axed me wud I like to see his famerly. To whicht I replide I wudunt mine minglin with the Fare Seks & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his ineffybul wives. [Brigham stands up and pretends to summon a group.] So he calld in his Skarum. All his wives & children, whicht larst wus skwakin enuf to take orf the roof. The wimin wus of all sizes & aijes. Sum wus putty & sum wus plane -- sum wus helthy & sum on the Wayne -- whicht is Versis, tho this haint my yoosyul stile.

[Brigham makes an introductory gesture from his family toward Artemus.]

BRIGHAM: My wives, Mr. Ward.

ARTEMUS [bowing form waist]: Yur sarvint, marms.

BRIGHAM: Besides these wifves here, Mr. Ward, I have 80 more in the various parts of this consecrated land which are sealed to me.

ARTEMUS [startled]: Whicht?

BRIGHAM [annoyed]: I said, Sir, they are sealed!

ARTEMUS [puzzled and hesitant]: Will they probly -- cointinner in thet stile -- to eny grate ekstent, Sur?

BRIGHAM ["turnin red a biled beet"]: Sir, don't you know that the rule of our Church is that, as the Prophet, I can have as many wives as I wish?

ARTEMUS: Ye dunt say! [Admiringly.] You air ole pie, haint you?

BRIGHAM [after annoyed, puzzled pause]: Those that are sealed to me -- I mean -- to be mine -- when I want them -- are, at present, my spiritual wives.

ARTEMUS [anxiously]: Lung may they wave!

[Artemus steps away, with spootlight following. As Artemus now addresses the audience, Brigham starts toward left wing.] ARTEMUS: In a pryvit conversashun with Briggie [Brigham looks shocked at this familiarity], I larnt the following faks. [From this point on, Brigham, in front of left wing, mimes what Artemus describes.]

It takes him 6 weeks to kiss his wives. He dunt do it ownly onct a yeer. & he sez it is wuss nor Spring house cleenin. He doan pertind to no his children, thare is so meny of em, tho they all no him. He says bowt ivry chile he meets calls him Par, & he takes it fur grantid.

A foo days a4 my aryval in Utah, Briggie wus marrid agin -- to a yung & reely putty girl. But he tole me confidenshully he wunt git marrid no moore. He sez all he wunts now is to liv in peeas fur the remainder of his days. & hav his dyin piller soothd by the lovin hans of his famerly. [Laughs.] Wal, thets all rite, I spose. But ef all his famerly soothes his dyin piller -- heel hav to go outdoors to dye!

[Shakes his head, sympathetically.]

Sumtimes they abooze hisself individuooally. They hav pult the most of his hare out by the roots. & he wares meny a horrybl skar on his volooptyus body, infliktid by mop-handils, brum-stiks, & sich. Okashunly they evin git mad & skald him with bilin hot water. But whin he -- Briggie -- gets eny ways cranky, they shet him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers whin there orfsprings git onruly. Sumtimes, whin he goes into swimmin, they sneek out to the banks of the Lake & steel all his close, thairby compellin him to sneek hum by a sirkooitus rowt, drest in the skanderlus stile of the Greek slaiv.

BRIGHAM [turning to Artmus, speaking in tone of great agony]: I find that the cares of a married life weigh heavily upon me. And sometimes I wish I'd remained single!

[He turns toward the left wing, slumps his shoulders, and, groaning, staggers into the darkness.]

ARTEMUS [speaking with choked voice]: I agreed hartily with the Profit an startid for thuh tavurn whare I put up to. On my way I wus ovirtuk by a larj krowd of Mormuns. [See drawing and RETURN.]

TALL GAWNT FEMAIl: Oh, stay, sir, stay. I'll be your Gentle Gazzele.

FAT CHUNKY FEMAIL: And I'll be your sweet guiding star.

ARTEMUS: Ile bet 2 dollers & a haf yoo wunt! Whare air I may Rome Ile stil be troo 2 my Betsy Jame.

SEVERAL OF THE MISERBUL CRITTERS: Willst thou not tarry here in the Promised Land?

ARTEMUS: Ile sea yoo all esenshully cussd be4 I wilst. So, girdin my Lions, & with a lite puss & a hevy hart, I fled the Seen.

[Starts in a rush to the right.]

[DARKNESS]