[Screens announce the scene as Chorus begins the Entracte: "Ole Abe Lincoln Came Out of the Wilderness", tune "The Old Grey Goose".]
[Spotlight on speaking Artemus. hat on, dressed for travel, standing on extreme right of the stage before drawn curtains.]
ARTEMUS: I hav no polertiks. Nary a 1. Ime not in the bizniss. Ef I wus I spose I shood holler versifrusly in the streets at nite, & go hum ro Betsy Jane smellin of cole ile & gin in the mornin. I shood go to the Poles arly. I shood stay thair all da. I shood see that my nabers wus thar. I shood git carrijes to take the lame, the infirm, and the indignant thar. I shood be on the lookout fur the infamous lyes of the oppysishun, gut up jes be4 elekshun fur perliterkal effek. I shood move heving & arth til I gut orfiss, whicht effen I dint git a orfiss, I shood turn rown & abooze the Adminystrashun with all my mite. [Slight pause.] But Ime not in the bizniss.
Ime in a far moore respektful bizniss nor whut polertiks is. I woodun giv too sents to be a Congrisser. The wuss insult I ivir reseevd wus whin sertin sityzens of Baldinsville, at the perul of thare hazard, axed me to run fur the Legislatoor. Sez I, "My frens, dustest think Ide stoop to that thare?" They turnd white as a sheet. I spoke in my mos orfulest tones. & they noed I warnt to be tryfulled with. They slunk outer site to onct.
It is eezy to see why a man goze to the pore house or the penetenshury. He caint hep it. But why he shood woluntarily go & liv in Washingtun is intirely beyund my komprehenshun. & I caint say no farer than that. (Let me rite the songs of the nashun, & I dunt keer who buys his wa into the Legislatoor!)
[Curtains begin to open; lights brighten on full stage; and Artemus starts walking slowly toward midstage.]
Thare4, havin no polertiks, I put on a kleen biled rag & made bold to visit Ole Abe the Presydent-Elek at his humstid in Springfield. [Lincoln is at desk, wilth five or six "office-seekers", miming vigorously.]
I found the ole feller in his parler, surowndid by a perfek swurm of orfiss seekirs. Noin he had bin capting of a flat bote on the rorin Missysippy, I thot Ide adress him in saylor lingo. So sez I, "Ole Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the 4cassel, & hail yore chambermaid! Shiver me timbers, me harty."
LINCOLN [looking up crossly]: Send in your petition by and by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, I can't. It's impossible, Sir.
ARTEMUS: Mr. Lincoln, who do you speck I am?
LINCOLN: An office-seeker, to be sure!
ARTEMUS: Wal, Sur, yoos nivir moore mistooken in yore life. You haint gut a orfiss Ide take under no sirkumstanses. Ime A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. Ime the farther of Twins, &: they luk like me -- both of em. [Please see 19th century Vanity Fair drawing and RETURN.] I cum to pay a frenly visit to the Presidint-Elek of the United States. Ef so be you wunt to see me, say so. If not, say so, & Ime orf like a jug handil.
LINCOLN [stanbds up, relieved and affable]: Mr. Ward, sit down. I'm glad to see you, Sir.
AN OFFICE SEEKER [laughing]: Repose in Abrahams Buzzums!
ARTEMUSA: Wal, ef all you fellers repoz in that thare Buzzum, thairul be mity pore nussin fur sum of you [addressing audience] whairpon Ole Abe buttund his weskit closter up & blusht like a maidin of sweet 16.
[Miming for a while. Lincoln persuades all of the office-seekers to leave. Then he talks to Artemus. When Artemus' voice comes through again, he is addressing the audience.]
ARTEMUS: Jist at this pint of the sirkumstanses, anuther swurm of orfiss-seekirs arove & cum pilin nto the parlor. [Miming.] Sum wuntid post-orfisses. Sum wuntid kolekterships. Sum wuntid furrin misuns. All wuntid suthin. I thot Ole Abe wood go crazy. He hant no moore than had time to shaik hans with me, a4 anuther tremjis crowd cum porin onto his premises.
[The screens to left and right show diffferent sides of the Lincoln homestead, with crowds of male office-seekers pouring into the yard, trying to crowd onto the porch or enter one of the doors or climb into a window, while the top screen shows the roof, with applicants climbing onto various portions of the roof. On stage, faces appear at the windows in the back wall of the stage setting. The entire cast and Chorus are involved in this scene, including women dressed as men. By changing hats, or, occasionally, coats, or even beards, offstage, and rushing back and forth, the impression is created that a considerable number of office-seekers come and go.]
ARTEMUS: His house & dooryurd wus now ovirflowin with orfiss-seekirs, all clamerous fur an imejit intervoo with Ole Abe. 1 man frum Ohio, with Hyasynthian curls, & his eyes in fine frenzy rollin, mistuk me fur Ole Abe & adrest me as "The pray-hayrie of the Wist". Sez I,"My fragrint roses of thees sunny climes, whuts the prise of whisky bak hum & how meny inches of that seduktiv flooid kin you handil?" Anuther man with a gold heded cane & a red nose tole Ole Abe he wus "a sekund Washingtun & the Pryde of the Bownliss Wist".
[Speaking to man.] Square, you woodunt take a smal postorfiss, if you cood git it, wood you?
"SQUARE": A paytrit is abov them things, Sur.
ARTEMUS: Thares a putty big crop of paytrits this seeson, aint thare, Square?
[New applicants chase Abe around the room and out the door and back in. Sometimes Abe chases a few out, only to coming running back, chased by others.]
ARTEMUS: The house, dooryurd, barnn & wudshed wus now all full [as screns show], & whin anuther crowd cum I tole um not to go wa fur wunt of room, as the hog-pen wus still empty. [Pause.] A paytrit frum a small town in Michygin [top screen shows this] wint up on top of the house, gut into the chimnee, & slid down into the parler [this can be a small chute opening into "the fireplace", entered from the back wall], whare Ole Abe wus endevoorin to keep the hungry pak of orfiss-seekirs frum chawin him alive without benyfit of clerjee. The minit this invadur reeched the far-plase [he now appears], he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, & yelt.
NEW MAN: Dunt make eny pintmint at the Spunkville post-rfiss till yoov red my papers. All the respekful men in our town is syners of that thare dokymint!
LINCOLN: Good God! They come at me frum the skies -- down the chimneys -- and from the bowels of the earth!
ARTEMUS: He hant morn gut the wurds outer his delikit mowth be4 2 fat orfiss-seekirs frum Wiskonsin, indeverin to crawl between his legs, upsot the President-Elek. He wood hav gone sprawlin into the far-plase ef I hant cot him in thees arms. But I hant morn stud him up strate be4 anuther man cum crashin down the chimnee, his hed strikin Mr Linkin vilently agin the innurds & prostratin his volooptyus form onto the floor.
[Man shouts and waves his papers in face of Lincoln, sitting on the floor, displaying an incredulous look.]
"ASSAILANT": Mr Linkin, my papurs is syned by ivry clerjyman in our town, & ivry skoolteecher!
[Artemus helps Lincoln to his feet and brushes the dust from him. Then Artemus speaks angrily to the "assailant".]
ARTEMUS: You egrejis ass! Ile syne yore papurs wif this bunch of bones [shaking fist in man's face] ef you dunt be a leetle moore keerful hoos bred-baskit you make a depow in yore footur. How do you like that air perfoomery? [He shakes fist under the man's nose, causing him to spring back.]
"ASSAILANT": But I wurkd hard fur the tikit. I toyld nite & da. The paytrit shood be rewurded! I --
ARTEMUS: "Shet up", I eksplaned.
[He grabs man by the coat-tails, as he turns to flee the wrath of Artemus.]
Virtoo, Sur, air its own rewurd. Look at me! [He "kwaled be4" Artemus' glance.] The fak is [looking around at the "hungry crowd", which has grown silent], thare is skasely a orfiss fur ivry ile lamp kerrid rown durin this campane. I wisht thare wus. I wish thare wus furrin mishuns to be filled in varis lunly Ilelans whare epydemiks raje insessently. & ef I wus in Ole Abe's plase, Ide sind ivry muther's sun of ye into em!
Whut air ye heer fur? ["wurmin up konsiderbul"] Caint you give Abe a minits peas? Dunt you see hees wurrid mos to deth? Go hum, youmizbul men, go hum & till the sile! Go to peddlin tinware -- shine boots -- git a clerkship on a respekful manoor cart. Go rown as orijinel Swiss Bell Ringurs. Go to lektoorin at 50 dollers a nite. Imbark inthe peenut bizniss. Write fur the New York Times. Saw orf yore laigs & go rown givin konserts with techin apeels to a charitibul publik. Enythin fur a honist living. But dunt cum heer dirvin Ole Abe crazy with yore outrajis cuttins up!
Go hum! Stand not upon the ordir of yore goin, but go! Ef in 5 minits frum this time [pulls out his "16 doller huntin kased wach"], ef in 5 minits frum this time, a singul sole of you remains on thees heer primises, Ile go to my snake caje neer by, & let loose my Boy Constructor! & ef he gits amung ye, yool thin Ole Beelzebub has cum agin!
[Some start to leave immediately at this threat. Artemus addresses audience.]
You awt to hav seen em skamper!
[Screens show the news being relayed and crowds leaving in panic. Artemus looks through the window and laughs. He turns back to the audience.]
ARTEMUS: They run orf as if Satan hisself wus arter them with a redhot tin pronged pichurk. In 5 minits the entar premises wus cleer.
[Lincoln checks this at the window. He turns happily to Artemus.]
LINCOLN: How can I repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness? [He advances and shakes him warmly by the hand.] How can I ever repay you, Sir?
ARTEMUS: By givin the hull cuntry a gud, sownd admenystrashun. By porin ile pon the trubuld waters, North & South. By pursooin a patriotik, firm, & just korse. & then, ef eny State wunts to seseed, let em Sesesh!
LINCOLN [laughing]: How about my cabinet, Mr. Ward?
ARTEMUS: Fill it up with Showmen, Sur! Showmen is deyoyd of polertiks. They haint gut eny prinserpuls!
They no how to cater fur the publik. They no whut the publik wunts, North & South. Showmen, Sur, is honist men. Ef ye wunt a Kabinet as is a Kabinet, fill it up with showmen. But dunt call on me. The morul wax figger perfeshun mussent be permittid to go down wile thares a drap of blud in thees vanes!
[Artemus steps back to survey Lincoln.]
A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef Mike Anjelly wus to pik a modul fur a bootiful man, I skasely think heed sculp you. But ef you do the fare thing by yore cuntry, yool make as putty a anjel as eny of us! A. Linkin, use the talints whicht nature put into you judishly & firmly, & all will be well! [Salutes him.] A. Linkin, adoo!
[Artemus addresses audience.]
He shuk me coryully by the hand [shaking]. We ekschanjed picters, so we cood gaze pon eech uther linimints win far frum 1 anuther.
[Exchange is made. Each looks admiringly at picture of the other. The Chorus now hums "Blessed Be the Tie That Binds". Artemus starts toward right front stage, spotlights dimming on the inner stage. As he reaches the edge of the curtain line, the spotlight picks him up and follows him to the barker's booth, previously put in place. He turns to wave.]
ARTEMUS: He at the hellum of the Ship of Sate. [He ascends the step of the booth. Lights are now off, except for the spotlight on the booth.] & I at the hellum of Show Bizniss -- admittuns, ony 1 sents.
[Immediately, the Chorus begins the Recessional up the aisle, with "candles", singing 3-part "Blessed Be the Tie That Binds", with basses singing countertheme of "Battle Hymn of the Republic''. They sing one or two verses to reach the back of the theater just prior to the last phrase of the song.] [At the beginning of this last phrase, a shot rings out on stage, and singing stops abruptly, and the screens show a newspaper headline, with voice-over reading.] PRESIDENT LINCOLN ASSASSINATED!
[The screens again flash jumbled images. Then clear images appear of the following newspaper headlines, voice-over reading them.] 1. NOTED AMERICAN HUMORIST, "ARTEMUS WARD", COLLAPSES ON LECTURE PLATFORM. PROMISES TO "CARRY ON"
2. Jan. 23, 1867, LECTURES CANCELLED -- ARTEMUS WARD SERIOUSLY ILL
3. ARTEMUS WARD TO ISLE OF JERSEY TO RECOVER
4. ARTEMUS WARD RETURNS TO SOUTHAMPTON DOCTORS CONSULT FRIENDS GATHER
5. March 6, 1867, RENOWNED AMERICAN HUMORIST, CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE ("ARTEMUS WARD"), DIES AT 32
[Screens flash jumbled images. Then, as Chorus picks up last phrase of Recessional Hymn, spotlight again appears on speaking Artemus at barker's booth. And a slide flashes on screens of the "gentlemanly" lecturer -- in close-up -- in Egyptian hall, looking in embarrassment at laughing audience. Darkness, as speaking Artemus rushes into right wing. House lights go up.]