Go & be a Nunnery!

I was born in the state of Maine of parents.

How many parents did you have?

Did you have the measles? And if so, how many?

Expect no flowery or highly manured talk from me.

Hit haint the heat; hits the hum-a-ditty.

My temperament is bilious, athough I don't owe a dollar in the world.

As the preacher says, the vilest sinner may return, as long as the horse knows the way.

Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?

I'm an early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian.

That portrait of me doesn't show enough hare to cover a single-breasted grasshopper.

I got a bargain on figures of our Revolutionary 4fathers. About 2 dollars per 4father.

What a person gets for nothing, they think they are being gipped!

Do you have any children? Do they resemble you or your neighbors?

Do you know any actors? And if so, how much do they owe you?

Let us be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow to do it.

Do you eat beans? If so, do you take them straight or mixed?

In the bright Lexington of youth, there is no word like fale.

George Washington never slopped over. The prevailing weakness of public figures is that they slop over.

It would have been ten dollars in Jeff Davis' pocket if he'd never been born!

The crisis has come and brought all its relations.

The song writers are doin the Mother business rather too muchly.

There are many first class bank-engravers in Washington D.C. who turn out 2 or 3 cords of good money a day.

For thrice is he armed that has his quarrel just. And four times he who gets his fist in fust!

I have already given two cousins to the Wars and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother if need be.

If your searched the earth over with a 10-horse miscroscope you wouldn't find such a bunch of popycock gabblers as the present Congress of the United States.

Why don't you find a Statesman who can rise up the emergency and cave in the emergency's head?

If we can't have a first-class statesman in our Congress, why can't we have a first-class corpse?

Shall the star-spangled banner be cut into dishcloths?

Jet us join in and make on a country that will give Europe a cramp in the stomach.

It's highly moral when Lady MacBeth says, "Give me the daggers. I'le let his bowels out!"

Are you married? And, if so, how do you like it -- so far?

I have learned that he who seizes opportunity sees the penetentiary.

My show contains a panoramy called the Grand Moving Diarhea of the Crimea -- a work of art.

Noah was the first man in the menagerie business.

Ime in "the sheer & yeller leaf" (to quote my Irish fren, Mister Macbeth).

Jeff Chawser, who had genius, was the wus speller I know of.

In the Old Wurld, Empires is totterin & Dysentaries is crumblin.

Brigham Young has 200 wives. He loves not wisely but two hunderd well.

Brigham Young is dreafully married. He's the most married man I ever saw!

I prefer temperance hotels, although they sell worse liquor than any other hotels.

The people of Canada haven't got a 4th of July to their backs!

These western bankers are a sweet & lovely set of varmints. I wish I owned a house as good as they'd break into!

Let me write the songs of the nation, & I don't care who buys his way into the Legislature.

"Shet up", I explained.

Why care for grammar as long as we are good?

I don't know nuthing about dead languages. And I'm a little shy in living ones.

I'm not a politician. And my other habits are good.

Too much blood was shed in courting & marrying that respectable female, the Godess of Liberty, to get a divorce from her now.

In the novel & techin langwije of the noosepapers, "peas to thair ashis".

This talk of the Revenue is of the bosh, boshy!

Unless there's different government right off, the Godess of Liberty will have to go out doing general housework, at 2 dollars a week.

We'll go to aid of Columbia. We'll fight for the stars! We'll fight until there's nothing left but our little toes, and even they will defiantly wiggle!

If I'm drafted, I shall resign. Modesty is what ales me.

I like the play Otheller, or Some More of Veniss.

Having no polertiks, I put on a kleen biled rag and maid bold to visit Ole Abe the Presydent-Elek.

Knowin President Lincoln had bin captain of a flat bote on the rorin Missysippy, I thot Ide adress him in sailor lingo. Sez I, "Ole Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-sails, reef home the 4-cassel, & hail yore chambermaid. Shiver me timbers, me harty!"

My fragrant roses of these sunny climes, whuts the price of whisky bak home & how many inches of that seduktiv flooid kin you handil?

Thares a putty big crop of paytrits this seeson.

Ole Abe wus endeverin to keep the hungry pak of office-seekers frum chawin him alive without benyfit of clerjee.

Abe hadn't more than got the words out of his delicate mouth when two Wisconsin Office-seekers crawled between his legs and upset the President-Elek.

If in 5 minutes time a single one of you remains on these premises, I'll go to my snake cage and let loose my Boy Constructor!

Showmen aint got any politics. They haint got any principles!