Humans once eagerly sought The Philosopher's Stone, They believed it would endow any possesssor with wealth, beauty, power, sssssexxxxxxxxxxual potency, and other goodies. But no one found it. And search continues today in other forums.

Parents in each generation seek "the one correct way to raise kids". Teachers seek "the correct method for teaching" some teachable. Managers and administrators seek "the one best policy or strategy". Etsettery.

Enough! I suggest that The Philosopher's Stone -- in all these, and in other, forms -- is a doax: a doctrinal hoax. Let Willie Wisp and his ilk pursue it, while we trim our aspirations to the more feasible.

But whence cometh this marathon madness?

Well, apparently, rumor arises that some parents down the block reared those mahvellous chillun they flaunt at us by artully skaffling their nuggies whenever they weebled. So some pushy publisher wafts over a ghost-writer, and -- before the snows of Thanksgiving thamk us -- there congeals, in time for the Christmas shopping, Parent's Guide to Skaffling.

You got it, Hamlet. How do we know that skaffling really did the dirty work (brass and all)? Answer: we don't. In fact, as the English philosopher, David Hume (x-y), cautioned us, we can't really prove that anything causes anything! We can only observe that one event follows another, or with it. And this may only be a contingent (a.k.a. coincidental) happening. This once -- but maybe never after.

(Well, really, Emily May. Mongo did say he just happened to be on that corner -- when Googie Bum landed there from the crosswwalk -- just as you came out of The Flexing Parlor. Perhaps only "a chance roll of the dice", you know. Of course, if Mongo and Googie Bum do happen to land on too many corners together -- well, perhaps ....)

However, getting back. If those particular kids down the block seem tolerable. And if another gaggle of tolerable kids turns up, and their parents say that, in despair, they turned to skaffling --. And if more skaffled kids turn up. Then, why fight it! Unless you know something we don't. (Peeker!) Otherwise, let's assume that skafling works. At least, for some cases. And --.

But, it's just here, Ophelia, that the dancing mania begins!

Suddenly, other metheds of child-rearing, once thought modestly effective, are DROPPED IN FAVOR OF SKAFFLING -- THE ONE UNIVERSAL METHOD. And all the kids are getting SKAFFLED -- between the Tarentellas -- and the band plays on!

Except that --. You keep tripping over Little Rapunzel, from next door, crying for her Momma. And you KNOW you gave Momma the book and EXPLAINED --. But Momma claims Little Rapunzel is the most skaffled kid on the block. And the party is now pooping out -- from so many junior party-poopers underfoot --. And rumor is rippling over the rhythm that the very skaffling which tucked in so many little angels has deviled others to pooping our party!

And, after the ball is over, after the break of day, the sun also rises with a commercial announcement about The Schwartz-Metterklume Method, And schwartzing the metterklumes of some of the poopers does seem to --. Listen! They're whelking our song! And you Tare into your Tella --. Book me, Bacchante, with a Brahmin Bleat! Hey-hoke-a-rehoke. Staladl-staladl-ladl-ladl-ladl-ladl-ladl-....

What, Hamlet? Well, hit the Pause-button and then the Replay-Button -- back before the dancing derished.

Okay, SKAFFLING did some to work in some cases. Or did not obviously fail. But exception exceptioned. Such as Little Rapunzel. But, after Momma schwartzed Rapunzel's little golden metterklume, Rapunzel did stop tripping while you were tripping -- the light fantastic.

And, later, other trippers tripped out of your dance when parents read How to Zooz Your Children (For Fun and Profit). And other trivia triviaed.

So, be tolerant, Hamlet. Whatever turns you on -- or the kids off. And consider the alternative: covering up failure by rhetorical hokery.

Thus, Jonathon Kozol, in his book about bigcity education, Death At An Early Age quotes one "brilliant" educator as saying: "There are no inferior schools. We are only getting an inferior brand of students."

Imagine medical standards if doctors applied only one treatment to all patients, then alibied their failures by saying, "There are no inferior doctors, only an inferior brand of patients."

No, Ophelia, we must counter this secular monotheism by preaching tolerance for a secular polytheism -- a pluralism of methods and procedures. Whatever proves useful to some one -- some time.

And, if the Tarantella is your thing, by all means --. But not just because the bugs bite you.

Hark! The music muses. Shall we dance? But watch out for that porpoise close behind you!

Yes, I do love these Ontological Orgies. They're to physical in their metaphysical .... Stone -- stein -- stain -- steen -- staladl-staladl-staladl-staladl-staladlladlladlladlladl....